one by one

This one is joy.

This one is sorrow.

This one is laughter.

This one is pain.

This one is from that one time.

This one is because of them.

This one is for them.

This one is because they couldn’t shed one.

This one is because I know how they felt.

This one is because I wish I knew how they felt.

This one is because of how I feel.

This one is because I want to feel.

This one is the wind in my eye.

This one is from a yawn.

This one is frustration.

This one is anger.

This one is exhaustion.

This one is disappointment.

This one is sick.

This one is nostalgic.

This one is empty.

This one is lonely.

This one is pure excitement.

This one is hope.

This one is failure.

And this tear is yours.

And they are all Yours.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

on water

My Utmost for His Highest is a devotional I just started, it was copyrighted in 1935 which I just think is awesome. Incredibly enough the first day I opened it, it could not have been more applicable. And so I feel like sharing it because I know that Mr. Chambers says it way better than I could:

“I may not understand what Christ says, but it is dangerous to say that therefore He was mistaken in what He said.  It is never right to think that my obedience to a word of God will bring dishonor to Jesus.  The only thing that will bring dishonor is not obeying Him.  To put my view of His honor in place of what He is plainly impelling me to do is never right, although it may arise from a real desire to prevent Him being put to shame.  I know when the proposition comes from God because of its quiet persistence: When I have to weight the pros and cons, and doubt and debate come in, I am bringing in an element that is not of God, and i come to the conclusion that the suggestion was not a right one.  Many of us are loyal to our notions of Jesus Christ, but how many of us are loyal to Him?  Loyalty to Jesus means I have to step out where i do not see anything (Matt 14:29); loyalty to my notions means that I clear the ground first by my intelligence.  Faith is not intelligent understanding, faith is deliberate commitment to a Person where I see no way. Obey Him with glad reckless joy.  When He says something and you begin to debate, it is because you have a conception of His honor which is not His honor.”  -Oswald Chambers

And to tag this awesome 75 year old bit of insight, this song has totally accompanied my thoughts:

Keep my heart amazed
Let me see Your wonders every day
Teach me in Your ways
So that I may fear

You are walking on water
You are calling me after
You are standing beside me now

You are the Maker of Heaven
You turn my world around
You’re making all things new again
Through it all I know
You are God alone

Set my heart on fire
Let me burn
With passion for Your name
Take over my life
I surrender now

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You are God alone

-Desperation Band

I guess I just really think that Chambers is right. Its so easy to claim loyalty to the Lord.  And then He calls us to walk on water and He calls us to follow even when we don’t see why, or how.  And then we like to look down at the water and our circumstance and start trying to figure it out.  I begin to over analyze and plan and trump God’s knowledge with my own. But that’ not honor, that’s not loyalty. And it hurts to realize that. It hurts when we try ourselves and fail. It hurts when we feel that our pride has become more important than our Lord. It hurts when we miss an opportunity. I mean I think every situation can be related to legitimate trust in the Lord! From involving Jesus in conversations with coworkers and peers to deciding whether to go on mission trips from trying to decide where to go to church and be involved in ministry to family and friends. And especially the big things! The things I don’t really want to sort through but try anyway. It all requires to step out in faith and keep our eyes fixed solely on the Savior.

When living by faith we should be comfortable walking on water.

Fire, why aren’t you falling?

Please read this whole thing if you have time, I know its long. This post has the potential to sound complain-y and rude and accusational. Or it might sound like I think I know best in some proud way. It also is very generalizing and for that I’m sorry because I know some things that I say are not true for all people or every church. So let me apologize off the bat if anyone might think that is the attitude that I’m taking, because I’m not.  I just have a problem with something.

So lately I have been a bit uneasy about the churches that I have been attending. Uneasy might not be the right word, maybe more….discontent and unsatisfied. I’m not targeting any one church at all so don’t take it that way. I just feel like we are all so comfortable, content and maybe even lazy. Let me explain a little better.

First I think that my background might play a part in all of this. I was raised in an Assemblies of God church which is rather charismatic, spirit driven and Pentecostal. I believe that I was filled with the Holy Spirit during a special service when I was about 12 years old.  And since then I do believe that the Holy Spirit has been a part of my life, I know that He has moved in me and through me, prolly not as much as He could. But I know that He does live in me. And from this I feel like the Holy Spirit is important, both my background and the truth on the Holy Spirit rooted in scripture. That being said I have witnessed multiple times where I believe that the Holy Spirit has been taken out of context and/or forced on people. However, there are different areas of Christianity that are also taken out of context and forced on people.  But I feel like often the power and importance of the Holy Spirit is shied away from in many congregational settings.

Basically I feel like the church is dry and maybe even comfortably dry. The church is a broad generally term I’m using, not any one specific church because there are some anomalies. Get this for example- I had the opportunity to lead worship at a Living in the Spirit seminar at a catholic church this week.  I can’t explain in words the presence of the Holy Spirit in that place and with those people. I mean they were on fire! They were singing the Hillsong song Fire Fall Down and the fire was falling. They waited expecting the spirit to move, they prayed knowing that He would come, that danced and celebrated. They wanted it, they really were pursuing. Why is that missing from the christian church? Granted I know that not all Catholics are like that, but these people were on fire and more so than I have seen in a christian church for a long time. Another example would be a big worship night on my college campus that happens once a semester. This night is called ONE in which all the campus ministries get together for worship and prayer and it is something eagerly anticipated by many.  I feel the spirit fall during that night as all are emerged in deep and passionate worship together. It sometimes seems like that one night a semester we all “get it.” And there are a few churches that I feel really embrace the spirit. One well known church to mention might be Bethel Church in California. I have never been there but their worship cds make it so evident that they are encouraging and asking the spirit to move. You can hear them praying in the spirit in the background. Also Hillsong Church in Australia. One of my favorites songs, I Will Exalt You on Faith+Hope+Love, you can hear the lead singer step off the microphone singing in the Holy Spirit. So genuine.

So then why not us? Why not small town churches, or even big town churches? Why not on a week to week, service to service basis? I do believe that living in the Spirit is a personal thing, whether we chose to live in the Spirit day by day and moment by moment is an individual’s decision. Why aren’t we seeking out the Holy Spirit, congregationally? There may be churches more friendly to those seeking after the Lord, there may be churches for older congregations, there may be different denominations that believe one thing and not the other. But I think its because it freaks people out a little bit. We can’t define the Holy Spirit. We can’t explain Him very well. Its somewhat of a mystery, even Paul writes that in 1 Corinthians 14:2. Ultimately its a beautiful and magical mystery. But yeah, its a little freaky if you don’t understand. Not that I understand because I know I would stumble over the right words to say in trying to describe it to someone who had no idea. But i do know that it is a God thing that He has given to us, the Spirit of God. There is so much power and strength rooted in the Spirit of God, Jesus did all of His ministry through the power of the Spirit, Jesus was baptized by the Spirit before he embarked on His ministry. And He gives that same power to us, He commissions us with it in Matthew 28:18-20. Jesus wants us to be baptized in the Holy Spirit like He was and to do our ministry in that power. The Holy Spirit is sent from God to us and we are meant to live in it. But yeah, I think that we are just so shy to it as churches. I feel like we are scared or worried about what it would do to the ministry because not everyone would get it or accept it. I see that it is hardly preached or taught or sought.

But its biblical, and I think that is the first key. People do oppose the Holy Spirit, for many reasons. I’m not even going to try to list off the excuses that people give for why the Spirit isn’t for this era or this church or this day. There are too many to count. But I do know that it is biblical. And all scripture is God breathed. And with that being said I know that we can look into the Word and see what God says about the Spirit and how we should live in it. I’ve attached many verses at the end of this post.  Those that oppose the Holy Spirit or are scared or shy to it need to read their Word! If someone doesn’t agree with it then I would argue that they don’t know their scriptures very well, they may not understand their salvation very well, they may not understand Jesus or God or His power very well!

The second key is that I don’t think we are eagerly anticipating the Holy Spirit. We aren’t creating and cultivating an environment for Him to come and move in our lives. We don’t make that a congregational goal. For whatever excuse we might conjure up we decide to leave that part out. We decided to stand and sing like we are conditioned to. Worshipping? I sure hope so! (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7)  But desiring more? Searching for the power of the Spirit? I’m not convinced. I know that’s it’s somewhat of an individual thing, but if we were all pursuing the Spirit of God, together, I think we would see something different. We need to want it. We need to seek it. We need to create an environment in which we worship with expect the Spirit to flow.

This is no simple fix and I understand that. We are comfortable and to some this whole “spirit” thing may seem strange and outta place. Thinking through this I was trying to decide what it would look like to get the Spirit flowing in some of the dry places I’ve been. I don’t know the answer but I think it might start with acknowledging the Holy Spirit in teaching and preaching. Biblically presenting the Spirit to congregations. And from there encouraging the congregations to worship with the Holy Spirit and to live in the Spirit and to exercise the gifts of the Spirit. And from there we could cultivate an expectant environment for worship in which we seek and desire to see the Spirit move together, where we sing with hungry hearts for the fire to actually fall. We need to get these pivotal generation living and working in the power of the Holy Spirit for our attempts without will fall short.

I mean what if we all did live with the Holy Spirit? People would see it in us, I really believe that non-believers would see it. They wouldn’t know what “it” is but they would see it.  We would have the gifts of the Spirit and through the same power that Jesus used in His ministry and the same power that moved in Peter’s ministry could be in our ministry. The evidence of the power of the Holy Spirit is so evident in the gospels and the book of Acts. Why wouldn’t we want that?! Why wouldn’t we seek that out?! That’s why I’m so frustrated. Are we that lazy and complacent and comfortable? Didn’t God say that He would spit the lukewarm out of His mouth? (Revelation 3:14-22) We need to be the history makers living in the Spirit that God has given to us. We need to step out, even if it seems uncomfortable and radical. This is what God has for us and He makes it so clear in His word.

Ah, I dunno. This has been a long post, sorry and thanks for reading it all. I guess I am just hungry myself and I am longing for a church body to pursue the Lord and seek after the Holy Spirit with me. Yeah, i definitely haven’t mastered this whole Holy Spirit thing myself, but I just know that I know that I know there is more for us if we seek.  There is so much more to be said in all of this. I know again that this may seem generalizing and maybe complaining and for that I’m sorry. I guess I just wanna see a hunger stirred in the hearts of God’s people for more of Him and His gift to us the Holy Spirit. I’m frustrated that its so quickly looked over. So look over it yourself and I hope you get excited about the plan and the power God has in store for us through the Holy Spirit.

A few scriptures, of many, on the Holy Spirit: Luke 11:13 (11:5-13) – on seeking out the Holy Spirit and finding Him, Acts 1:4-8- on the intended use and power of the Holy Spirit in our lives, Acts 2- first story of humans encountering the Holy Spirit, 1 Corinthians 3:16- the Spirit lives in us, 1 Corinthians 12- gift of the spirit, 1 Corinthians 14- very important proper etiquette for biblical exercise of the Holy Spirit in congregational settings, Ephesians 4: 11-16 -on spiritual gifts, Ephesians 5:15-20 -on living in the Spirit, Galations 5:16-26 – living in the Spirit and fruits of the Spirit, Acts talks all about the works that the disciples did through the Spirit of God, there are many more!

Good To Me

I will be still
In the arms of my Savior
You calm my soul
As you sing over me
All of Your goodness
Follows me forever
I will live endured Your way

You are good to me
You are good to me
Oh Your love fills my soul
And my heart will always know
God, You are good to me

-Desperation Band-

He Is Stronger

Today I finished my psych test early and I was able to just sit on campus for 20 minutes, listening to music and watching people. And in that time before my Spanish class I think I taught myself something that I have prolly learned a hundred times. So I thought I’d share it.

Jesus Christ is strong enough for us to validate His work on the cross by brining Him our sin everyday. That was His original intent. He wants us to recognize His unfailing love and to begin again, again on a day to day basis so we can be that new creation He has called us to be. We are to be inspired by that faithfulness and love to live in a right relationship with Him in every area of our lives.

His love is strong.

His sacrifice on the cross paid it all, once and for all.

And in this, He becomes our sole purpose, our strongest passion and our only lifeline.

I guess that’s just been on my heart. His mercies are new every morning and His love for us transcends anything that we think could separate us from Him. He is stronger.

Romans 8:34-37

favor

This blog isn’t an update about my life or any kind of boasting. Its not that at all.

Last week I was telling my brother that I had a job interview the next day and his response was “The Lord gives you favor.” I didn’t expect that response at all, I expected a “ooo good luck, that’d be great!” or “finally, you’re gonna start working” or something along those lines. But no he commented on that fact that the Lord gives me favor. And after thinking about it, He really does give me favor. And I am so thankful. These last few days God has given me and my friends a house to live in next year, He has given me the job that I interviewed for a week ago, He is allowing me to be a part of a huge worship night in Ft. Collins and He has blessed me with the most encouraging and beautiful relationships. Not to mention the fact that I am a college student earning a degree that will earn me money and on and on and on. The Lord gives me favor.

But I say that not to be boastful because God doesn’t bless me so that I can brag. I can boast in Him alone, nothing that I have is my own, nothing that I have I have given myself.  Alone I am nothing and I realize this completely. And with all that His blessings I know that my role is to turn it all back to Him in praise.

Ok but here is the problem. I was sitting in the student center today waiting for a friend and as I did this I was people watching, one of my favorite things to do. But as I sat there I watched this blind man with his cane in one hand and latte in the other make his way across the lobby. Not knowing any better he walked right through a group of sorority girls and the looks they gave him made me sick to my stomach.  Then the man ended up walking into a sign. The saddest part is that I saw where he put his cane as it went around the tripod holding up the sign, he thought the coast was clear but than he knocked over the whole thing . And people watched. And some laughed and other looked sad like me. I dunno, I’m sure that man’s life is always like that, I’m sure there are sad people watching him all the time. He doesn’t know, or maybe he does.

Its one of those things that makes me struggle with my faith. How can my life be so blessed and his life seem like such a battle step by step. Not that I’m not grateful! Because I am, I am so thankful! His praise is always on my lips! But what about this man who will never see the color or beautiful sunshine and mountains?

I wish I had some awesome conclusion for this, but I don’t. All I can think is that when that blind man has a kind soul help him pick up the sign he knocked over he must view that as the Lord’s favor. And when he gets home for the day and knows how to get around his house so well that he can put his cane down, thats favor on him too. I hope that he can see color in his dreams, that would be favor. I guess its one of those things that we aren’t meant to fully understand.  The Lord holds that man in His big strong hands just as He holds me in His big strong hands.

spotlight

The moon last night was unbelievable.

I live in the woods kinda, and it gets really dark at night. Usually when I get out of my car I need to use my phone as some sort of flashlight to get to the front door and get the key in the lock. But last night I stepped out of my car and felt like there was this spotlight on me.  I honestly looked around expecting to see some sort of street light, but you don’t find those where I live. I moved far away from my car and walked up the driveway a ways so I could look up at the sky without the trees blocking my view.  The moon seemed as bright as the sun.  I could see the trees and the snow around me as if it were mid day.

The moon mesmerized me. I couldn’t stop looking at it. I didn’t even realize how cold it was for about five minutes as I just gazed up.

It was really cloudy though, so no stars could be seen.  Usually this bothers me cuz I just love to watch the stars and hope one falls. But last night i didn’t even think about it.  In fact, there was something cooler that I’d never seen before.  There was this ring around the moon.  A perfect circle. Using proportions to the moon I would say that this ring had a radius of about 35 meters with the moon in the exact center. I think that’s why I was out there in the cold for so long.

Eventually I ran inside and asked my dad to come out and look at it, I kinda felt like I might have been imagining it. But sure enough my dad saw it too.  He is an incredibly smart man and I knew he could explain it to me, which he did.  I prolly can’t describe it like he can, and it might be very obvious to some.  But I guess the light of the moon was just shining so bright and direct that it reflected off the clouds that were close to earth. It looked to us like the ring was actually around the moon, but really the ring was just close to the earth.

Such a beautiful thing.  The cold night sky a deep gray and the moon so bright it shone white.

Christmas ’09

Well, Christmas always comes and goes so quickly.  I always feel like I never stop long enough to enjoy the lights in the streets or on the house.  The truth is I always think that and purposely spend that extra minute basking in the red, green and white glow but it still never feels like enough. I find that without the elementary school Christmas parties the holiday just flies by with no warning.

And like always I catch myself- knowing that I have heard countless times that Christmas isn’t about the Christmas lights and elementary school parties with cookies and frosting and red and green decor. Not at all.  But at the same time I am so programed to be selfish in my Christmas wish list, knowing that I ask for too many of the most expensive things that I want. And expecting to be disappointed when, by no surprise, I don’t get everything on that ridiculous list. I just wish that I could for one year not get. Like I say that knowing that selfishly deep down, I still would want to receive presents. I just wish I could be like my friend, who is now my roommate, who  last Christmas asked for a goat.  Through some organization she got a goat for Christmas that went to some family somewhere in the world that was in need of a goat for milk and food. She never saw the goat, it wasn’t really hers, but the money that she would have received otherwise went to a goat.  Why can’t I be like that? I want to be. I really, really do.

Oh a different note- candle light Christmas Eve services are my favorite.  I love the glow and warmth.  The individual candles that light up the whole room together.  The best part is when everyone starts singing Silent Night together, acapella.  It is such a magical part of the Christmas experience.  And this year it wasn’t a part of my holiday experience. I was honestly extremely disappointed at first. But I think those little things are sometimes the way God gets through to us.  I don’t need a candle light service for it to be Christmas.  I don’t need a ridiculous wish list or beautiful lights or parties.

That baby came to earth to die for my sins. The baby did.

In my Individual and Family Development class this last semester the professor talked about the age at which an infant gains consciousness. Like when they start remembering events and can begin to learn, imagine and dream.  I wish I was paying better attention to that because I would really like to know now, but I think that its around a year or so that an infant starts to realize itself and begins to learn.  But I think about this baby Jesus, I wonder if He gained consciousness of His purpose right away. Like I wonder when Mary started to rock Him to sleep for the first time, if He knew then that He would die to save her soul, and Joseph’s soul, and my soul.  I wonder if He understood the bright star above His manger at that point. I want to think that He did.  Even as a little baby, He understood and loved us.

He loves us.  I didn’t go to a candle light Christmas Eve service this year, but the service I did attend was powerful all the same.  A mix of teaching and Christmas carols, of which I love.  The cool thing was that the whole service a guy was painting the nativity scene on a two thick planks of black wood.  It was very tasteful.  Then they sang How He Loves Us. At this point the guy assembled the two planks of wood together to make a cross.  And the body of Jesus was outlined with paint amongst the wise man and the shepherds.  As the chorus exploded the bold, bright red paint dripped down the crown of thorns balanced on the bright star, and the red paint dripped past the shepherds and wise men and the baby in a manger. His blood was in the picture from the beginning. This really touched me.

To look back and think that this baby would one day save me. And the hope that, that You give, You were born that I might truly live.

The beauty and majesty of this baby. This precious little baby boy.  He knew what He was doing, and He was willing, for us.  I want to keep the mystery and beauty of this little baby in my heart all year.  It shouldn’t be associated with the season. Don’t get me wrong, I will never stop loving the lights and music and magic of a Christmas morning.  But the baby, the purpose and power of Christ love in this way,  should carry on beyond that.  This image of a selfless babe should move me to kindness, gentleness and grace all year round. This selfless child, this holy child, this sign of true, perfect love.

I think I will approach Christmas differently next year. I am pretty sure that I will have a ridiculous wish list, and I will prolly spend more money than i have on gifts again.  But I think I will cherish this baby a little more closely.  I want to soak in the meaning that I have known my whole life.  I think that’s what I let slip by me this year, it wasn’t the lights or the carols, it was that baby boy.

Its still a mystery to me, that the hands of God could be so small.  How tiny fingers reaching near in the night were the very hands that measured the sky.  Its still a mystery to me, how His infant eyes had seen the dawn of time.  How His ears had heard an angel symphony and still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep. Hallelujah, hallelujah, heaven’s love reaching down to save the world.  Hallelujah, hallelujah, Son of God, Servant King, here with us.  You’re here with us.

like jeremiah

Some of this blog is taking from Francis Chan’s book Crazy Love because it has pin pointed a place in my heart that has been anxious.

I have a tendency to set high goals for myself, which I think is a good thing.  However I have maybe taken this to the extreme when I look at how I want to live my life for God.  I want to do everything! To name a few I want to be a worship leader, a teacher, a pastor, a missionary.  I want to help the orphans, the sick, the poor and girls that have been sexually abused.  I want to spend a few years living in a different country ministering the love of Christ, I want to be a big part of a church and at some point I want to be a mom too! I feel like these are desires that God has placed in my heart because they will glorify Him when I maintain a heart that is humble and sold out to His will.  But because I am such a planner, I get a little overwhelmed when I look at my list and wonder how I’m gonna get everything done! Especially when the next four prime years of my life are gonna be up here at CSU. I start to question the reality of getting everything done.

In Chan’s book he refers to Jeremiah 1 in which God is calling Jeremiah to be a prophet for Judah. In verses 4 & 5 God says

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

This whole concept of God knowing me before I was even born is mind blowing. I mean I’m sure if you have grown up in church you have heard it before but just think again.  I mean there is nothing more intimate than Him knowing me before I was. He knows these desires of my heart.  Although Jeremiah’s situation is different than mine I believe there are a few important similarities.  First of all God obviously set Jeremiah apart before he was born to be a prophet.  But in Ephesians 2:10 it talks about the things that God has prepared in advance for us. He has set me apart too. His plans are higher than my plans, and I believe that.  My list of things to do may be different than His list of things for me to do but that is where this next similarity between me and Jeremiah comes into play.  Chan says it best,

“Through this illustration [Jeremiah 1:6-10] I realized that I don’t have to worry about not meeting His expectations. God will ensure my success in accordance with His plan, not mine.”

In Jeremiah 1:6-10 God speaks to Jeremiah’s fear. God reaches out and touches his mouth. How huge is that. And amazingly I know that God can reach out and touch my heart and fear of failure too. He already has and I know He will continue to do so.  My anxiety of getting my list done is pointless, it is there but still pointless. I don’t have to worry about getting my list done, because it is not about me in the first place.  I don’t have to worry about meeting God’s expectations because He will help me, I could never do it myself anyway.

One of my favorite songs is Arms Open Wide by Hillsong. I often find myself singing the part that goes “my whole life is yours, I give it all surrendered to Your name, and forever I will pray ‘have Your way, have Your way.’” I need to focus on surrendering to His will and His list and I need to surrender my list and anxiety.  He will have His way in my life, I will be like Jeremiah listening to the call of God and He will remove my fear.  In four years whether I get my masters, go to seminary or spend a few years in Australia at Hillsong or something completely different that I never expected it will be the will of God and I am so excited!

perfect love

I have had so much on my mind these last few weeks.  Mostly it has been me trying to decipher between my will and God’s will.  There has been lots of confusion and stress but I think I have finally been able to sort things out.

I have made the decision to live my life in surrender to God’s will and I have learned more and more that that isn’t easy. I have been bombarded with confusion between what the Lord is trying to tell me and what my heart and mind are saying.  The worst part of all is that I really still can’t tell what is Him and what is me. This is so frustrating because I know that God is not a God of confusion.  So then what the heck is He trying to tell me?! I don’t know… but this I do.

I want to live my life in surrender to Him, whatever that may look like.  But at the same time I feel like I am overwhelmed with fear in this.  I don’t want to make a mistake. I really don’t want to mess up.  And this becomes so incredibly overwhelming when I don’t even know what God is trying to show me.  So I have decided two things: I have to acknowledge that in my weakness, God is made strong. It is foolish of me to think that I can do anything without Him. It is obvious that I am nothing without Him and I realize that.  So whatever God wants me to do, especially if I don’t understand it, He is gonna have to help me. Thankfully I know that He wants to help me.  And I know that when I seek the Lord I will find Him, He promises this.  So I’m not alone.  But secondly and even more importantly to me right now is what is says in 1 John 4, all of it is really awesome but the spotlighted verse is 18.

“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.”

And that is exactly it, I don’t want to fail.  I don’t want to tell God that my life is surrendered to Him and then do something in disobedience. And because of that I am overwhelmed with fear. But that is not of God.  He did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind. I need to stop striving to be perfect, God knows that I am not. I know that my only glimpse of perfection is found in Him.  I am going to mess up, I am going to do the best I can not to mess up but I’m only human and God knows that and His crazy love is not going to leave me. I need to continue to live in pursuit of His perfect love. I still don’t have this confusion figured out, but God does and as I seek after His unfailing love I just know that it will all work out. And in that comes peace and that incredible joy He has blessed me with.

This has probably been more therapeutic for me to write than anything.  But to anyone who might read this, I just hope that you might be encouraged at least. Our weakness is where He is made strong. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He wants us to strive after His heart and He wants our character to be strong and rooted in Him more than He wants to make sure our right foot moves before our left foot. He doesn’t depend on our perfection, He takes us broken, He can use as the broken people that we are.  He takes those that are confused and frustrated and seeking Him and I hope that He sees me in my seeking too.